Some Time Ladies Do 'Ave 'Em
by montypython203
Summary: AU. Crossover with Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em. Ever wonder why the Doctor's TARDIS doesn't work very well? This is the story of the young Time Lord who tried to fix it...


_Title: Some Time Ladies Do 'Ave 'Em_

_Rating: K_

_Summary: Crossover with Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em. Ever wonder why the Doctor's TARDIS doesn't work very well? This is the story of the young Time Lord who tried to fix it..._

_Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who or Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em._

_Author's Note: This is set very early in the First Doctor era. It's my way of explaining all the TARDISs problems._**  
**

**Some Time Ladies Do 'Ave 'Em**

_ The Unemployment Office, Gallifrey_

"Next!" called Mr Hutton. Frankasimptonio Spencer, Frank for short, came through the door.

"Hello Mr Hutton," he said, taking off his beret.

"Hello Mr Spencer," said Mr Hutton, picking up a piece of paper. "Back again are we?"

"Mmm," said Frank. "I had a bit of a kerfuffle with the last job."

"So it would seem," said Mr Hutton. "When I sent you to Earth to report on the conditions there, I did it so that you would stay out of trouble. But since then you've been the direct cause of two world wars, global warming and the extinction of the dodo." Frank lowered his head a little.

"My daughter Jessica wanted one as a pet," he said. "It was harder to get a hold of than I thought."

"Quiet!" ordered Mr Hutton. "Honestly, is there one job you haven't yet ruined?" Frank thought for a minute. He began counting his fingers as he went through all his previous jobs. Mr Hutton sighed and looked at his watch. Just then the phone rang.

"Hello?" he said. "Yes … I see … yes …" Frank stopped counting, interested in what Mr Hutton's conversation was about. He then felt a sneeze coming on. He looked around for a tissue, but couldn't find one, so he reluctantly sneezed into his hands.

"Very well … okay, thank you," said Mr Hutton, hanging up. "Well Mr Spencer, you're in luck. You know Roy the mechanic?" Frank nodded. "Well it seems he's quit his job to pursue other goals."

"Oh," said Frank. "What else did he say?"

"Er, from now on he shall be referred to as 'the Master', then he said 'Mwahahahahahaha'," said Mr Hutton. "But anyway, this means his job is now vacant. Have you ever been to any trade schools or anything like that?"

"Yes I have actually," replied Frank. "But I …"

"Wonderful!" exclaimed Mr Hutton. "In that case, I'll arrange your paperwork and you can start immediately."

"Oh, um, okay, thank you," said Frank. He then shook Mr Hutton's hand, forgetting about his snotty ones.

"Oo," he said to a red-faced Mr Hutton.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The next day Frank was at his new job, ready to start. He was very nervous, but he had to keep this job. He needed to buy a new carpet, as his cat had done a whoopsie on the last one. He was standing at the counter, when a tall man with longish silver hair approached him.

"Excuse me young man," he said. "Are you open?"

"Oh, yes, of course," stammered Frank, smiling foolishly. "How can I help you?"

"My TARDIS has been acting up," the man said. "It's been making a sort of groaning sound."

"Yes, that's how you know it's travelling through the time vortex," said Frank. The man rolled his eyes.

"I know!" he said. "But mine's making it all the time! I'd fix it myself, but the sound's been driving me crazy for days and I can barely hear myself think."

"Oh," said Frank. "Okay, where is it?"

"Outside," said the man. Frank and the man walked outside.

"I'm Frankasimptonio Spencer by the way, but you can call me Frank," Frank said. "And you are?"

"Just call me the Doctor," the man said. They walked up to the TARDIS and walked inside. Instantly Frank had to cover his ears.

"Rassilion, I know what you mean!" he exclaimed.

"Indeed," said the Doctor. "So will you be able to fix it?" Frank had no idea what he was meant to do, but he thought he'd pick it up.

"Absolutely," he replied. "It'll be ready for you tomorrow."

"What am I supposed to do 'til then?" asked the Doctor. Frank shrugged. The Doctor sighed and walked away, muttering.

"Right, let's do this," Frank said.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

It had taken a whole hour for Frank to move all his tools onto the Doctor's TARDIS. In that time he'd dropped 2 spanners on his feet, and had somehow managed to hit himself in the head with a mallet. He was half-worried he's regenerate while he was on the job. He'd only been in this form for a few months, after his disastrous attempt at making a Christmas turkey.

"Okay, let's have a look at you," he said to the TARDIS. He got down on his knees and looked under the central console. It was full of wires.

"One of these must control the sound," Frank said to himself. "But which one?" he took out some wire-cutters. He found a red wire, and remembered how in the James Bond movies he'd seen on Earth he'd always cut the red wire. Frank did this now. He lights went out.

"Ah," he said.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

18 wires and 6 rolls of Sellotape later, Frank decided to go for a different approach. He took out his sonic screwdriver. He'd never learnt to do much with it. And he'd been expelled from the trade school after accidentally blinding his professor with it. He tried scanning the walls to find where the source of the problem was. As time went on, he began to hear a faint beeping noise. Excitedly he followed it. It led him out of the main room and through many corridors. It wound all through the ship. It was only after Frank was led to the toilet on the 15th floor that he realised he'd been following the plumbing. Exhausted, he trudged back down. He sat down and picked up his spanner, wondering what more he could do.

"Oh dear," he said. He looked over the console, and couldn't help noticing a lever. Curiously he walked over to it. There was a little voice in the back of his head telling him not to touch it, but he listened to the big voice urging him to push it forwards. Holding the spanner in one hand, he used the other to push the lever forwards. It was quite a struggle. Beads of sweat rolled down his forehead and onto the console, causing tiny sparks. Finally, he got the lever all the way. He breathed a sigh of relief and took his hand away. Unfortunately the lever wasn't locked in position, so it flew back down. It hit him in the stomach and knocked the spanner right out of his hand. It fell through a crack in the floor, and got jumbled up with the TARDIS's chameleon circuit.

"Oo," Frank said nervously. He wiped his forehead and walked backwards. But in doing so he tripped on a wire. He fell back onto the central console, and his hand landed on a button that controlled the TARDIS's reliability to land at the correct coordinates. His head bashed against the console and he fell unconscious.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Many hours passed before Frank woke up.

"Ow, my head," he said to himself. Then he remembered where he was and that he still hadn't finished the job.

"Oh no!" he exclaimed. "Okay, think Frank! How can you do this? Hmm, TARDISs are telepathic, so maybe if I just ask it to fix itself in my head it'll do that." Frank closed his eyes and concentrated all his energy and thoughts on the TARDIS fixing itself. Nothing happened.

"Right, that didn't work," he said. He frantically scratched the back of his head. Suddenly, a thought struck him. To fix cars, you had to open the bonnet. So maybe it was the same with TARDISs! Frank got a rope and attached it to the console. He ran outside and got into his car. He knew L platers were meant to have supervision, but this was an emergency. He slammed his foot down on the accelerator, trying to gain as much speed as possible. He could see the smoke and he could hear his tyres screeching, but he could feel that he was close. Eventually the TARDIS opened. Frank went back inside. A bright white light was creeping through the cracks. Frank was just lifting it up, when:

"Stop! What do you think you're doing?!" Frank turned around to see a very angry Doctor looking at him.

"Um, I was just going to have a look under the bonnet," he said innocently.

"Under the…?" The Doctor couldn't believe his ears. "That's the heart of the TARDIS! No one's meant to see it!" The Doctor rushed over and closed the console. He then noticed all the tools scattered around his ship.

"My beautiful ship!" he cried. "It's a pig-sty! Nuts here, bolts there, oil over there …"

"Wait … listen," said Frank. The Doctor had no intention to stop talking, but he did as he was told. He could hear … nothing.

"I did it!" Frank exclaimed. " I fixed it! And on my first day! Er, I mean second. I mean …"

"Please, just be quiet," said the Doctor. "Well Spencer, I've got to hand it to you. You did it. Well done. How much do I owe you?"

"Er, let's say 50," Frank said. The Doctor nodded and handed over the cash.

"Well, I have to be off," he said. "My granddaughter will be expecting me." He gave Frank a wave and got into his TARDIS.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The trip back to the 1960s was a lot rougher than the Doctor was used to. He could barely keep himself upright. Susan was staying with a friend, so he parked a few streets away from her house. He then walked up to the front door and knocked. Susan answered.

"Grandfather!" she exclaimed, hugging him. "Where have you been?"

"What do you mean child? It's only been a day," the Doctor said, confused.

"No, it's been 2 weeks," Susan said. The Doctor's eyes widened.

"I'll be right back," he said. "Actually, on second thoughts, you'd better come too." Susan quickly said goodbye to her friend, gathered her things and joined the Doctor. They went into the TARDIS.

"Where are we going?" Susan asked.

"Gallifrey," the Doctor replied. "I'd like to have a word with a certain Frank Spencer." The TARDIS stopped, and the Doctor walked outside. However, he wasn't on Gallifrey.

"Excuse me," he said to a man who was walking past. "Where am I?"

"The city of Candabong," the man answered.

"Right, and what planet are we on?" the Doctor asked awkwardly.

"Barcelona," the man said. "We're famous for our dogs. They have no noses, you know." The Doctor muttered his thanks and walked back to the TARDIS. But it hadn't changed shape to blend in. It still looked like a 1960s police box.

"Spencer!" he cried.

**The End**

**- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -**

_ I'm going away for a few days in a few days, so this might be the last update I do 'til then. Please review!_


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